Published on 15th December 2010.

Advent Calendar: 15th December

Day 15 of LMS's Advent Calendar

Chickenhawk are good for lots of things, but you can now add to their list of skills the ability to provide you with Christmas cracker jokes enough to last you at least the coming four Christmases!

Chickenhawk

We had grandma for Christmas dinner?
Really, we had turkey!

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Grave-y

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said.
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.

A Christmas thought:
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick!

What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter "Y"!

What did one Christmas light say to the other Christmas light?
You light me up!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it!

What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
Platform shoes!

What's Christmas called in England?
Yule Britannia!

Whats happens to you at Christmas?
Yule be happy!

What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?
Jungle bells.
But what about his chimp?
King Kong merrily on high, of course!

Where do mistletoe go to become famous?
"Holly" wood!

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles!

Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping!

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
Because a little water ends both of them!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells...!

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple!

What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Sandy Claws.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?
She said "I could not work out what size her nose was"!

What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
It was wound up already.

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan!

Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No you can have turkey like everyone else!

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker?
My pop is bigger than yours!

Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed!

What bird has wings but cannot fly?
Roast turkey!

What's the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
Your teeth!

A man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher, 'Do you raise them yourself?'
'Of course I do,' the butcher replied. 'They were only 50p a pound this morning!'

How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard?
Look at the labels!

Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!

Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.

Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!

I'd like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!

Is that policeman eating turkey?
No, he's eating truncheon meat.

This turkey's disgusting!
Well, you asked for a foul roast!

This turkey tastes like an old settee.
Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.

What's brown and creeps around the house?
Mince spies!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even!

What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
"'Tis the season to be jelly!"

What do ducks do before Christmas dinner?
Pull their Christmas quackers!

What do you drain Christmas dinner brussel sprouts with?
An advent colander!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

What did one Angel say to the other?
Halo there!

How to cats greet each other at Christmas?
"A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year!"

What do elephants sing at Christmas?
No-elephants, no elephants!

What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards?
Best vicious of the season

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards!

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A merry Christmas to ewe

What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!)!

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell!
Just take these pills - and, if they don't work, give me a ring!

Nurse! I want to operate. Take this patient to the theatre.
Ooh! good! I love a nice pantomime at Christmas!

Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I'm turning into an orange!
Have you tried playing squash?

Father Christmas: Doctor, Doctor I feel so unfit
Doctor: You need to go to an elf farm

Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can't sleep.
Try lying on the edge of your bed...you'll soon drop off!

Doctor, Doctor I'm scared of Father Christmas
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.

My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it!
Doctor: Try this medicine... and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera.

See the previous entry in the LMS Advent Calendar here.

See the next day in the LMS Advent Calendar here.