At first I thought this was going to be one of those ambient African tracks, you know the ones they play you at anger management courses? No? Am I ill?
In 2006, The 18th FIFA World Cup was coming to a climax. The final, a tense encounter between Italy and France had gone into extra time. Early in the second half the legendary Zinedine Zidane was trotting back to the centre circle alongside surly Italian defender Marco Materazzi, a man well known for his fondness in 'causing a bit of a do', so to speak. It is alleged that Big Marco said something to Zidane along the lines of "I shagged your sister". Zidane turned round and headbutted Materazzi straight in the chest, reminiscent of that time in Spain when a bull missed his fighter and horned one of his bollocks. Thus, Zidane's glittering career ended in disgrace, his sorry figure sulking alone down the tunnel as Materazzi's sly grin beamed across Berlin.
I couldn't let this happen. So I built a time machine and went back to half time of extra time. I teleported as well, or something. Anyway, I digress. I handed my all time hero a CD from 2012. "What is this" he asked me, slightly vexed that I'd interrupted his concentration at such a vital time. "Why, it's music, great music", I responded. And off I rode.
Zidane listened before he took back to the pitch. His manager, the enigmatic Raymond Domenech was heard discussing Zidane's strange behaviour to a substitute on the bench, saying Zidane had been muttering things about "tribal drums, beautiful vocals, sun-kissed licks, jazz fags and Whitechapel". Domenech, puzzled, looked up to see Zidane walking back to the centre-circle alongside the ex-Everton flop Materazzi, who seemed to be saying something to Zidane about "fingering your sister". It was at this point history was rewritten. Zidane, his rage replaced with serenity, turned towards Marco, looked him in the eye and softly whispered to his nemesis the immortal words "I don't give a shit, you big fat loser. I've just heard the new record 'Leper' by Glitches, and it's fucking boss. Jog on you lard-arse waste of air".
It is here Zidane sprinted the length of the pitch, armed with ball intact, and unleashed an unstoppable 30 yard piledriver to win the game 2-1, and leave his legacy as the greatest footballer ever to have lived, firmly intact.
Viva La France.