By The View
I wanted this to be good. I really did. I'm sick of drab indie fare. There must be something good to listen to? There's some nice catchy hooks in 'Hold On Now', the kind that Belle and Sebastian were doing when they started getting annoying. The singer's voice seems to have come on a bit and he can hold a note or two. But then the cliches are never far away are they?
"The only thing you need is a little bit of speed, and take a line of a joke/ the only thing you need is a little bit of me, let's have a drink and a smoke". This coming from a band that have had to cancel shows for their adoring fans because that recession Harry Styles guy that sings for them can't handle his Panda Pops. Fucking hell, they're like a Libertines for 5 year-olds.
It was probably an omen when the CD player bluntly refused to play the song, meaning I had to listen to the Spotify version and not the radio edit, the latter of which clocks in at a nice three minutes. A whole minute and a half less than the version I had to endure. For a minute or so it wasn't really that bad. Kind of Britpop album track by-numbers. Then it started. Annoying shouty backing vocals and a "la la la" bit. For a while I struggled for that one word to sum up what The View were trying to achieve here. Jaunty? No. Jumpy? No. Then it hit me square in the face like a bus full of the most bore-inducing foot tapping soul numbing indie bastards of the last ten years: summery.
I can imagine this is how it went in the studio:
"Guys, we need to make some jangle, jangle pop. There's too many ballads here. Where's Kyle?"
"He's in the toilet, barfing his guts on last night's two glasses of Babycham."
"Christ, we need to cheer him up! I know. Let's make something..........SUMMERY!"
(EVERYONE IN UNISON) "Yeah! Kind of like The Coral but after they went shit!"
"Exactly. But we must mention booze, drugs and fags to help bone-idle journalists and keep that Libertines comparison."
I get the CD working. The radio edit does nothing for it apart from making it less longer. Anyway, after three minutes it ends. Fanfare ensues and I begin to pick myself up from the floor. But wait? What's this? Music begins. It's 'Let There Be Love' by Oasis. Oh no, hang on. It's The View again. Christ, almighty...it's a fucking double A side. It's slow, it's sluggish and it's shit. After two minutes I throw all rules of reviewing over the fence and into the cow shit that plagues the field behind my house. I turn it off. I can't do this anymore. I can't handle the pain anymore. My ears, so used to a history of great indie music have now been struck down, dead in a sea of torturous bilge. Thank you The View, you've just hit the final blow and put me out of my prolonged misery. You've made me end it all. Leeds Music Scene, friends, family, fans, enemies, lovers. I hereby declare my retirement from music journalism.
Music is dead. Everything is dead.