On 28th February 2006 at 09:31 Anonymous 30 wrote...
2 paragraphs to patronise the first band and 6 lines to praise the headliner....your getting old Lauren when your rants begin overtaking. 
That Fucking Tank
Live at Bar 1-20 (Huddersfield) on Saturday, 25th February 2006
Tonight, in drizzly Pennine country with sleep in its bleary eyes and grit on its railtracks, we wander into this cornerhouse bar to find a large number of children onstage barely out of Huggies and totting up, I estimate, a grand total of four and a half years of age between them. The pudgy-jowled frontboy dons a pair of aviators, a Topman beret-meets-teacosy-meets some form of apparently-fashionable hat or other, a delicately ripped t-shirt and the kind of "Ooh, check me out, sticking my middle finger up at you" expression that you can actually buy on the face of one of those Bratz dolls and have implanted onto your own by a plastic surgeon. He's also chewing gum and has a fag, the purpose of which seems not to exist, as it droops within his clutch until he realises that the burning sensation he can feel between his index and middle finger is that of cindering flesh. It's merely another necessary bit of the Rock n' Roll Rulebook for Kids kit. He's probably wearing Converse, too, but I wouldn't know because I can't see for the girl in front who the pintsized keyboard player keeps grimacing at and taking photographs of whilst he should be, I dunno, playing or something. Said frontboy also probably goes home to a bowl of Cheerios and a set of Thomas The Tank Engine pyjamas but, again, I wouldn't know because... well, why would I?
Of course, it's probably a bit wrong of me to bitch oh-so-cynically about a bunch of high school practice room mates trying out their best poses, power chords and Kings of Leon covers in front of their friends; after all, it's rather sweet to see nobbut bairns throwing their clichéd little hearts and innocent souls into causing a bit of tuneless din. Good on them, at least they're doing something vaguely more productive than dissecting frogs on a Sunday in their backyard whilst mum rustles up some burgers and twisty fries. The sad thing is, however, seeing a group of Milkybar tweenager lads forcefully, shamelessly and 100% wittingly model themselves on the more wasted of today's hopeless, pathetic, fall-about-and-then-fall-off-the-bandwagon Rock (sorry, 'Drug' - 'cause it's not like it's about the music anymore, is it?) Stars. So much for young minds being fertile breeding grounds for a wilful creativity, or whatever it is that teachers say these days. Quick, boys! Get yourselves some originality and personality - you're about fourteen years old, for Christ's sake; you're supposed to be untainted, unrestricted, wild! Get your Toni and Guy'd head out of the goddamned NME, form your own goddamned person and be a goddamned decent and truly new next generation. And you know what else? A life expectancy beyond the age of, say, twenty five, is actually kinda cool. Stop being sheep. Your idols are not worth it. WAKE UP.
Moving on, then, from some sort of jaded rant, to talk about Stateless. Now, here is a band who know all about freedom; every move, look, sense, space and feel of it. Opening with 'Prism #1', great pacific-blue swoops of sound thread together with silver-grey lines of piano and skidding, tripping, dancing beats cascade around your body throughout their emotionally-draining set. The deep trenches of 'Whiter Than Snow' wrap their dirtiest rhythms yet in skyscraping snowdrop vocals and a hypnotic, pulsating drive, as though each member of the band wired their hearts to a tape machine, pressed 'record' and doused what came out with drapes of velvet; red, rich and a little on the dark side. 'Frida' lifts us up towards somewhere else and during 'Bluetrace', frontman Chris falls backwards from the microphone into a black pit of growing, furious clamour and attacks the guitar, thrashing his head and body around in a friction of total abandonment whilst Kidkanevil's hands stir up tornadoes of thunderbolts from the decks. This is the feeling you get with Stateless. They're always in flight, mid-suspension, looking down on you from a small height, from somewhere a little hazy, a little dreamy and a little like some clouded blur of a far-off heaven, floating through optical slides of glimpsed, half-formed worlds. There's something very comforting in thinking that their music knows something you don't... at least, not quite yet.
Then along stampede That Fucking Tank, who make the most sane of beings want to screw elephants. However, there are no elephants in the immediate vicinity, so we drink hard liquor and shout at them instead. They bash out the most rapacious, yet somehow very intelligent, caveman noise for the loins you ever will hear on this earth. Grrrrrowl.
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On 2nd April 2006 at 13:08 Anonymous 2710 wrote...
Ha ha. That was very funny. Not only have you completely ruined your writing reputation, but your patronising words of "wisdom" to the "teenaged boys of 14" are quite frankly in it for the fun. For god sake, could you not see that: 1. the keyboard player couldn't play, 2. The band was covering the kings of Leon (if inspiration music dedication is what were about, we probably would have played a Mars Volta track), and 3. We were clearly taking the piss out of pretentious critics such as yourself, who go out of their way to put down bands that play popular music.
For starters, I've been playing in all sorts of bands since the age of 14, ranging from Prog-rock bands, Session Jazz bands and orchestras. Couldn't you see that the purpose of this was to have more fun than the crowd, but particularly, more fun than people like YOU! For your information, the band have been together for 3 months, and my 5 best mates who are in the band are in whether they can play or not! - I just wanted to make sure that you feel like a complete idiot, because in there right mind, who can take a man wearing, ripped clothes, a pair of womens gloves, and a pair of aviators seriously. IF time spent humiliating him is, in your world, well spent then good job. Get some balls close your mouth and start influencing people in thoughts that have cause and actual reason. I guess you like music, well lets here it. I guess you like bands so let us do it, and try writing something that you actually believe not just what is safe to say.
Also, for your information and to our complete shock (since we have only been together for a short period of time and collectively have little ambition in the music industry, and only aim to make ourselves, and the audience amused) have been offered an independent recording contract from a label. - Just so you know, we declined, because we were outright - taking the piss...
Thanks for the comment - you're a complete buffoon, a horrible supporter of music, and a terrible writer. I have the authority to say this, because I have just gained a place at Oxbridge to study English Literature.
Yours truly
A comment on behalf of - The Davinas - Indie/Rock/Comedy 
P.s - I wanted to fit spineless in there somewhere, so I might as well just put it here.
And what ever you do carry on writing, at least people like you give us the incentive to carry on and most importantly at least your are expressing yourself - after all its more productive than dissecting frogs on a Sunday in your backyard whilst your mum rustles up some burgers and twisty fries.
On 2nd April 2006 at 13:39 Dave LMS wrote...
Haha! How did you possibly get accepted onto an English degree course when you make such pre-GCSE English grammar errors?
Anyway... more to the point and for the record, I saw The Davinas in Manchester (Night&Day, 13th March) and they were truly awful.
On 2nd April 2006 at 14:32 Anonymous 5588 wrote...
Look Dave. Lead singer of the Davinas here. Let us get on with it. We dont fuckin care about spelling mistakes and all that shite. We care about having a laugh(at people like you that is), and playing what we enjoy.
i thought the gig in manchester that you saw was ace. i enjoyed it and so did our crowd.
yours faithfully
Davinas
p.s. we shit on the beatles.
now leave us 14 year olds alone, otherwise we might just cry.
p.p.s. any chance of a gig?
On 2nd April 2006 at 14:40 Anonymous 2710 wrote...
the point is dave - I have, whether my grammar is at a gcse level or not.
Love the Davinas
p.s - we shit on the beatles.
On 2nd April 2006 at 14:42 Anonymous 2710 wrote...
.... and the Night and Day gig was mint.
- Collectively, you're both pathetic, and we are mint.
unlucky .x.
On 2nd April 2006 at 14:53 Dave LMS wrote...
Very good - although not at all interesting. Still, you have entertained me for a few minutes on a rainy Sunday afternoon (which is more than I can say for a recent night in Manchester). Fair play to you.
On 2nd April 2006 at 15:12 Anonymous 5588 wrote...
glad ive entertained you dave. now get a real job.
On 2nd April 2006 at 15:39 Anonymous 5588 wrote...
i ve got a new name 4 the band "DAVEinas", what does every1 think?
On 3rd April 2006 at 12:28 Anonymous 3028 wrote...
You sad tw*ts... Surely you could find something else to amuse yourselves. Like Ice Skating or the roller disco. Thats what most of the sad tw*ts were doing when I was 14. Saying that I suppose its better than beating up old grannies like most of the 14 year olds these days.
Roller Disco's are the place to be. Trust me.
On 3rd April 2006 at 17:51 Anonymous 5588 wrote...
i love leeds music scene it full of such a set of tw*ts, music 2 amuse wats wrong with that?
On 4th April 2006 at 10:10 Anonymous 3028 wrote...
Nothing.
I love the Davinas, its full of tw*ts. Music to listen to whats wrong with that.
Your obviously a comedy act so playing a venue like this was bound to backfire. I have the number for my local Liberal club who are coincidentally looking for a comedy turn. Good money as well
On 4th April 2006 at 16:25 Anonymous 5596 wrote...
Is this the same davinas who played Bradford? if it is then you guys are seriously good, i get the rip on the age and the rougeness but the music can't be knocked. I've never seen a crowd so up for hating every band to stand up there but it took these guy one song to fill the floor and kept them there for the whole set. Keep it up- music to dance to, music for crowds not critics. Ben
On 4th April 2006 at 20:53 Anonymous 5597 wrote...
Reference the Davinas.
Hi Leeds reviewer, it's so refreshing to read comments that are totally without prejudice completely in order extremely amusing, informative and in keeping with good old fashioned journalistic values that you and I obviously value and treasure . I was going spend my hard earned dole money (Just lost my job with Smash Hits) on a trip to see the "Davinas" at a club in Liverpool called the "Cavern" I will be eternally grateful for your review, saved me a few bob. By the way just wasted £37 quid on e-bay on a bootleg DVD of the Davinas at the snooty fox (Wakefield) er' indoors went spare when she found out. Kids dinner money, cheerios or a DVD, no contest I thought! Keep up the good work warning us off such trite and insignificant musical "wanna be" play boys. Are they takin the piss or what?
Cheerio for now
Daddio...
...ex friend ex colleague of Niel Tennant, bastard, he used to make my tea whilst I typed away he said "Quote" one day I'll have a group based on image and a keyboard player who pretends to play...
Oh yea ! I'm with stupid I thought!
See ya all soon...not in never never land of course!
On 4th April 2006 at 23:23 Anonymous 5597 wrote...
Tonight, in grizzly Pennine county, alive with grit in its hearts,we stagger "as usuall" into this highly recommended sophisticated cornerhouse bar to find a small number of really talented musicians onstage, barely out of Huggies we are totting it all up, I estimate a grand total of four and a half years of age between us Journo's in total.
The hearthrob lead singer dons a pair of aviators, a top class act like Iv'e never witnessed before combines fashion in a fashionable way that is rarely seen, certainly not since the likes of "Bowie" the hat and the delicately ripped t-shirt and the kind of "Ooh, check me out,sticking my middle finger up at you" expression that you can actually try and re-produce in the bathroom mirror and try to have implanted into your own mind by a clever hypnotist. He's also chewing gum and a cool persona the purpose of which seems not to exist in my tiny mind, as it all droops within his clutch the girls seem desire it in their crutch until they realise that the burning sensation they can feel between his index and middle finger is that of cindering flesh on flesh words and song coming to life and burning with lust sexuallty and a desire I can only dream of. It's merely another necessary bit of sex drugs and Rock n' Roll Rulebook! He's probably wearing me down too, but I wouldn't know because I can't see for the girl in front who the pintsized keyboard (Liam) player keeps grimacing at and taking photographs of whilst he should be, I dunno, playing or something. Said frontboy also probably goes home to a large bowl of "Cheerios" at this piss-take and a set of "how to write off reviews in one go" journals. I wouldn't know because...I'm well..... a journalist ..... But I'll carry on anyhow!
Here's a little agit for the never believer Yeah yeah yeah yeah Journo is troubled by the horable asp Yeah yeah yeah yeah..Hey Journo did you hear about this one"? Journo are you locked in the past?.....Hey Journo caught up in a wrestling match baby are you having a run if you believe you can deny us fun Yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Davinas gone wrestling in a wrestling match, Yeah yeah yeah yeah, tell me Journo are you locked in the punch? Yeah yeah yeah yeah...if you believe there's nothing up their sleeves, nothing left to lose..
Do you believe are they having fun ? Are we having fun? Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
Now Journo stop goofing on Elvis hey baby...!
Mott the "Daddio" in the game of life !
On 5th April 2006 at 20:03 Anonymous 5597 wrote...
Weird or what !It's supposed to be ! Quote "Hey Mickey what a pity you don't understand " Toni Basil unquote.
On 8th April 2006 at 10:19 Anonymous 5597 wrote...
look out for the davinas debut CD. - to be reviewed on the leedsmusicscene within the next\month.
Strap in your seatbelts - these guys are heading to the top.
On 9th April 2006 at 22:11 Anonymous 5597 wrote...
The last post was not an official Daddio post. There is no CD in the offing at this moment in timr you are best spending your money on blank CD's as they represent better value for money.
Daddio
